I’m tired. I have Denver Love Letters basically written in my head, but getting them typed is too much. I don’t really feel like doing anything apart from being as hermitous as possible. Well, and drinking, maybe. I think I feel this way every spring, and I’m not totally sure why — isn’t spring when we’re supposed to crawl out of our winter caves and rejoice in sunshine and barbecues and green grass? It’s not that I don’t like these things… It’s just… meh.
The school year wears me down. I become overly sensitive to criticism and sun and everyone else’s spring fever. At work summer always seems to bring unknowns — how many employees? Where will we work? (For different reasons we’ve had to move operations every single summer since I’ve been there.) I should be used to it now. I mostly am, but it doesn’t instill joy in my heart.
This year I have a countdown. I have a list of things that really need to be done before I leave for good, and an attack plan for getting them done. In some ways it makes it easier to deal with minor frustrations, as there’s a light at the end of this particular tunnel. But some days it just makes me want to take the summer off (which I won’t, of course, for financial reasons and because there is so much to finish up and transfer, and because I would probably be bored if I actually did).
…Just now I got tired of writing and checked Facebook and found this, thanks to Paul:
On one hand, it makes me feel insignificant, nihilistic. Why do I even do anything? If we’re less than a pixel in perspective, why did I rush to work with wet hair today and spend hours editing dust out of digital images? And then the video reminds me of what I love, the meaning I do find in people, music, art, literature, film, experience. Okay, it also reminds me that I’m a bit lonely. Maybe a lot lonely (I think that’s my core issue at the moment, but it’s fine, really — I swing like a pendulum between complete self-sufficiency and hopeless loneliness). But this six-minute YouTube video makes me want to watch musicals and look at art and see more of the world.
More specifically, I want to go to Marfa. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I’m really intrigued by it, this crazy little town in remote, dry, hot Texas with its Donald Judd and Elmgreen and Dragset and who even knows who else (I will find out). Maybe that will be worth finishing work just a little earlier…
Okay. I feel better now.