Bleh. Icky day of headache and general wooziness, plus work drama (funding is always a drama, it seems, and I just wish it were consistent). And then I got prematurely emotional (I think) about the thought of leaving, and also prematurely emotional (I’m sure) about the availability of laundromats and grocery stores in the Bronx, and whether or not my full bed will fit in my imagined gazillion-dollar shared studio apartment in a bad neighborhood where I need a cat to keep vermin at bay, and whether there will be room for my lovely dishes:
etc., etc., etc. Really these thoughts are symptomatic of the bigger, scarier unknown of changing courses in general — it’s what I want to do, but it comes at a huge cost (and I’m not even talking about the actual money part). I have all of these attachments here, to people, obviously, but also to my apartment, to my effortless commute, to coffee shops and restaurants, to my knowledge of the city, to sunshine, to mountains, to open spaces, to all of this known, comfortable, lovable stuff… I have an option to stay, but I really feel like it’s not the best option for me to learn and grow. I’m more focused than the program here (although it’s a good one), and there are more opportunities to get the experience I’m looking for in New York, DC, and California. I owe it to myself to not fall into one more thing because it is the easiest thing to fall into. I’ve done enough of that.
But oh my god you guys, New York is an equally scary and enthralling thought! It’s also not my only option, or even the only good option, and in two weeks and two days I’ll have more information on what my options actually are, and then I can be justified in thinking more about it. And I’m happy that Denver is an option that I can weigh along with others. Really, I’m in a great position, but I know that the decision I make (one month today is the deadline) will alter the course of my life… Why was this so much easier at 18? Our roots weren’t nearly as deep.
Things that are better than all of this freaking out:
- She and Him album out in a week, available for streaming now.
- Liking the Midlake album. And also Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings.
- My laundry — so fresh and so clean. Also, so unfolded and un-put-away (totally going to have a talk with my maid about this…)
- Met a cute, cute, cute puppy last night named Missoula.
- Headed south to Atlanta tomorrow: ready for warmth, some rain, friends, new art, new ideas. Also, I’m ready for my last trip until May. I almost have travel down to an Up in the Air-like science, less the companionship (professional or illicit)
Okay. I’m taking some more ibuprofen, packing, going to bed, and resolving not to think about New York until I hear from Berkeley and Washington, DC.