Do I have remarkably bad luck with men or remarkably bad taste in them? Probably a mixture of both. The road trip of a couple weeks ago was really good. I placed the relationship’s status in quadrant I, which I was apparently correct in doing, but merely placing it in a quadrant doesn’t tell us much. There are many degrees of “like,” and let’s just say that the slope of the line passing through (0, 0) and (x, y), where x was his degree of like and y was mine (switched, I know, because the boy should be y, but that’s how the graphic went), was greater than 1. Which is to say I felt more like than he did. I was interested in him as more than a friend, he just thinks I’m friendly and nice or something. Fine, fine. Finding this out, however, is never fun. I would say that this time it was particularly dramatic and particularly not fun. So it goes.
I think (some of) my problems are as follows:
- I like men who are smart and sensitive and have depth. I don’t seem to care whether they are particularly nice or particularly available. Although I can’t say that I really know about true niceness or availability right off the bat. (Note that by “available” I don’t mean “single,” but things like emotionally available, not hung up on someone from the past, etc., etc., etc.)
- Whenever I seem to really like them, the feeling is not mutual (or not sustainably mutual), or vice versa. I think that if m = the number of times my heart has been broken and s = the number of times I’ve broken someone else’s heart, m = s. So maybe it’s karma. Or maybe if someone likes me I don’t like them back (as much), and if someone doesn’t like me, I like them more? I hope not…
- I don’t know whether or not to listen to my gut. I’m kind of a neurotic person, so my gut spends a lot of time fretting. My head thinks the gut-fretting is overdone, and that I should give it a chance, warm up to it, see what happens. I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to say, “It feels like something isn’t quite right… Do you want to talk about it?” because I’m afraid that will make me seem… well, as neurotic as I am.
- I’ve been conditioned to think that adult dating consists of a fair amount of anxiety and seeing each other maybe twice a week. I think that’s just the adult dating I’ve taken part in, though. I really hope it is not pervasive in all adult relationships, anyway.
So. Sucky. I guess I’m no worse off than I was before, really. Down, but resilient. Just a little more frustrated with the whole scene again and not quite as hopeful as before.