Trying On New Things

Tequila has the capability of making people totally crazy, especially if they’re just a little off balance to begin with.  I might be talking about myself here.  I probably am.  I’m going to start watching my tequila intake a little more closely.

Some notes:  Valentine’s Day is really the only holiday that only select people can participate in.  Not everyone can wholeheartedly celebrate romantic love.  I’m a fan of romantic love, don’t get me wrong, it’s just something that’s not super fun to celebrate on your own.  Maybe next year I’ll stand outside a nice restaurant and cheer on happy couples or something.  Maybe I’ll read Petrarch, who is credited with inventing romantic love, and remember how he probably never (or rarely) even interacted with his Laura.  The inventor of romantic love invented it for someone he never knew, which is how his love remained so perfect and pure.  And then we (western culture) went and elaborated on it, came up with courtly love and fairy tales, and later Hollywood, and it kind of doesn’t exist at all except in theory.  But because we take cues from culture and literature and Hollywood, we think that we’re the ones who keep failing, when really maybe the theory is faulty, the fiction is particularly… fictional.

I wish it rolled off my back, Valentine’s Day, like any other holiday, but this year I felt pretty (newly) alone in the romantic sense, though thankful for good food, good conversation, and good friends.

Yesterday was a big event — trying on dozens of bridesmaid dresses for Lacey’s wedding…  I think we found one we like!  I was a little bit worried about bursting into tears at some point (it’s been a really, really emotional week, and I was not just a little hungover), but I was actually fine, and it’s really kind of fun to try on fancy dresses, like you become this more sophisticated person just by donning something new.  It’s also a different experience than it was a couple of years ago because I lost some weight and can now zip up the sample dresses (I used to never be able to, and it was just kind of humiliating feeling too fat for every single dress in a whole store — no matter how you feel about your body or how unfairly sized the dresses are, that sucks).  Sometimes I think I should wear dresses more often.  And maybe colors, too (my wardrobe is pretty limited to black, white, brown, blue, green, and the occasional dark red).  Hm.  Colors might be taking it a bit far.  Looking forward to the wedding in Jackson next fall…

Today I bought a new Chi flat iron, too.  Third one is a charm, I hope — we’ll see.  I have 60 days to try it out, anyway.  So far it works better than either of the other two, but it may be only a matter of time before it also malfunctions regularly…

A note on emotions: I’ve been depressed in the past, and I can’t help worrying, whenever I start to get a little sad, that I’m starting on this inevitable slide back into that familiar inertia, and I can’t help it. I need to stop seeing it this way.  Sometimes it’s natural and appropriate and healthy to be sad and mad, and I know I’d rather feel good and bad than be numb to everything, and I think that to feel good, one must at times also feel bad…  And little sadnesses, even big ones, don’t have to be permanent, probably usually aren’t.  I don’t know.  I just kind of freak out, and I need to not, because really it’s the freaking out that, at least in part, instigates the downward spiral.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Trying On New Things

  1. My darliinnng,

    I guess it would sound pretentious and presumptious for me to say ‘I know what you mean’ about any of this post, because it’s uniquely your pain. Nevermind whether I’ve experienced depression or anxiety or loneliness or fatness (all of the above). I love that Tori Amos lyric “dance with the Sufis celebrate your Top Ten in the charts of pain”…about honoring your pain. No need to stuff it down.

    You’re awesome!

    Your Uncle/Fan,
    Hannah

    p.s. I’m pretty sure I’ve never been a bridesmaid. Odd. I can’t even think of someone I know that was married or even had bridesmaids. Very strange. I think the sometimes hideous bridesmaid’s dresses would be fun to wear. I don’t know why people get horrified by that. I think it would be interesting.

  2. They are pretty fun to wear, all in all. It’s half torturous, but you’re usually in it (the wedding, a dress you didn’t choose that probably only kind of fits) with your friend’s closest friends, and it’s fun.

    Thanks for the comments, as always.

  3. Tequila is almost worse than the downward spiral itself.

  4. I think I’m wrong about Petrarch, but I don’t feel like looking into it. I think courtly love came first, anyway, and Petrarch allegedly started the Renaissance (if one person can start something like that, which I think is unlikely).

    Tequila certainly doesn’t do the downward spiral any favors… It’s fine in moderation, but tough to be moderate with (or it was on Friday).

  5. jfochek

    I vote “yes” for color, but I think you already knew that. You totally rocked the fuchsia at my wedding… And we’re still friends, amazingly!

    xo,

    Jenny

  6. I had a great time in fuchsia (especially after I lost the belt). 🙂 I’ve also rocked black and pale yellow, for the record (but I danced most in fuchsia, for sure).

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