Enough…

…of dating for a while, I think.

This time I’m not going to make any stupid resolutions about what I am and am not going to do, because they’re all arbitrary, and no one thinks they’re necessary except me, and I always fail at them and then feel bad about breaking the arbitrary, unnecessary rules I’ve created for myself.

I feel like in the future I need to contain my excitement about someone for a while longer before saying anything to anyone…  like a pregnant woman who wants to make it through the first trimester before making announcements, etc. (not to compare my situation to something far more exciting and potentially tragic).  Maybe this is another arbitrary rule.  It just sucks going back to everyone and saying, “Yeah, he wasn’t so incredible,” or, “Yeah, he was pretty incredible, but I guess I wasn’t…”  It was both and neither in this case.

Relationships are so fucking messy.  We’re all just little messes in our own heads, and any two of us together are more likely than not to make an exponential mess, unless we keep our messes to ourselves and fail to connect at all…  In spite of all this, I guess I’m still hopeful that I’ll eventually be in a relationship that is fun-messy (an intense pillow fight, laughing until you cry), happy-messy (Christmas morning when you were 7 or so), even beautiful-messy (dense forests, crowded markets).  If nothing else, I’m blessed with a high tolerance for messiness.

And truth be told, I’m not so much a mess in my own head right now.  I’m feeling pretty authentic, pretty strong, true to myself, true to others.  Which is more than I’ve been able to say in the past.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Enough…

  1. And then in the shower I was thinking about how containing excitement is inauthentic. So I won’t contain it.

  2. (HUGS)

    It was interesting. I saw some Oprah (I know, silly) about single, successful, smart women who for some reason were struggling with dating.

    It had a whole ‘expert’ in matchmaking there and they had them go on these test dates (hehe seems humiliating but it was for informative purposes) where they were given honest feedback on why they might not be doing so well dating wise. Now, I think it’s erroneous to think of yourself as flawed for being single, but I do like the concept of honest feedback.

    Personally, I am defensive (possibly from years of bullying while going to school) and I am not that good at receiving feedback. I remember feeling horrified during critiques in art school. I just couldn’t not take things hard. It was just like a dagger in the gut every time. BUT I am now realizing that every single one of us requires input (and therefore risk being hurt, but hopefully enlightened) whether we’re dating or married or whatnot. How we choose to see that input or receive it or even from whom we receive it is up to us to some extent. Other times it just seems to happen at the times when we feel vulnerable. But vulnerability, I think, seems to make us more receptive to self-awareness, so maybe that’s good?

    Well anyway, I fear this may be leaning towards sounding pompous but that’s not what I wanted to do. Anyway, I completely agree with your desire to be authentic. I imagine you are learning a lot about yourself in the process (stressful dating included) of becoming authentic. It’s like that line from Juno (cheesy as it is) that the best you can do is be with someone who accepts you as a package. I think this is absolutely true.

    So in short…

    I think you’re on the right track. Any and all input from others can be taken as useful information to store away. Just don’t use it as an excuse to be upset, because you don’t need any grief!

    Oh wait, duh. I totally forgot to conclude my Oprah episode tale. Anyway, the long and short of it was that these successful awesome women were actually sort of intimidating in a way. I mean, it wasn’t that the women had to dumb themselves down to get a date, but that being so well-rounded and poised actually put out a signal to the Universe that ‘I don’t need anyone’, whether it was intended or not. I’m not 100% sure I agree with this, but I can sort of see where they are coming from.

    Well…err. I should go to bed. I wish you luck!

    XO,

    Uncle Hannah

  3. Lindsey

    I’m so sorry things didn’t work out. On containing excitment…don’t do it. From personal experience in the pregnancy category, witholding the good news won’t prevent you from experiencing loss and even if you do experience loss, you are still able to experience joy in that brief moment before the loss by sharing the good news. And…despite the fact that well-meaning folks who missed the memo will haunt you by asking you “how far along you are”, it’s still worth it.

  4. Hi Leslie,

    Thanks for the basenji forward. It’s funny to think that there are “cat” people and “dog” people and then basenjis aren’t really like either so we must create our own “basenji” people. Our dog plays by his own rules so often I call him “Knucklehead” more than his real name.

    Anyway, I thought I’d comment that being excited about a new person in your life is actually really healthy. Also, the little messes in our heads make life exciting. I’ll never forget when I realized Nicole was as scared and freaked out as I was about everything. You’re right, sometimes it just makes one big mess, but that’s why we date isn’t it?

    Glad to see you’ve been able to reflect on it all. The glass is always half full.

  5. rg

    wish my mess in my head wasn’t so sad-messy right now…

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