…of dating for a while, I think.
This time I’m not going to make any stupid resolutions about what I am and am not going to do, because they’re all arbitrary, and no one thinks they’re necessary except me, and I always fail at them and then feel bad about breaking the arbitrary, unnecessary rules I’ve created for myself.
I feel like in the future I need to contain my excitement about someone for a while longer before saying anything to anyone… like a pregnant woman who wants to make it through the first trimester before making announcements, etc. (not to compare my situation to something far more exciting and potentially tragic). Maybe this is another arbitrary rule. It just sucks going back to everyone and saying, “Yeah, he wasn’t so incredible,” or, “Yeah, he was pretty incredible, but I guess I wasn’t…” It was both and neither in this case.
Relationships are so fucking messy. We’re all just little messes in our own heads, and any two of us together are more likely than not to make an exponential mess, unless we keep our messes to ourselves and fail to connect at all… In spite of all this, I guess I’m still hopeful that I’ll eventually be in a relationship that is fun-messy (an intense pillow fight, laughing until you cry), happy-messy (Christmas morning when you were 7 or so), even beautiful-messy (dense forests, crowded markets). If nothing else, I’m blessed with a high tolerance for messiness.
And truth be told, I’m not so much a mess in my own head right now. I’m feeling pretty authentic, pretty strong, true to myself, true to others. Which is more than I’ve been able to say in the past.