Breakups suck, even when they end relationships that weren’t quite right to begin with. I kind of got dumped tonight. It went something like this: I was headed out with my sister and a couple of her friends, and the boy met up with us downtown. She and her friends left, leaving me and the boy alone (we were going to go out with a couple of his friends later). We left the restaurant and started walking. I asked if I could stay over, he said we needed to talk. He’d “lost passion.” There was a little more. It never sounds good out of context, and memories of emotionally charged situations always fail to capture what actually happened. In any case, at 17th and Blake I turned and he kept going towards his car. I walked the 3+ miles home, which was a little therapeutic. I know I shouldn’t do that at night, but I kind of needed it. It makes me so mad that women aren’t supposed to walk alone at night, anyway.
Walking and thinking go hand in hand. I thought about how I also knew this wasn’t “meant to be” (if anything is), but for some reason wanted it anyway. I thought about the rare and wondrous thing that is loving a person who loves you back, and I pondered whether or not that ever actually happened (I know it does), and whether or not it can happen in a sustainable way (sustainable being the buzzword of the decade).
I’m tired. I’m tired of being in relationships I know are wrong. I’m tired of being someone’s “girl to spend time with.” I’m tired of working so hard to focus on the present, because to give any thought to the future seems to be a death sentence for the relationships I’ve been in lately. This is totally ungrateful, but I’m tired of the really nice guys who like me but whom I don’t like back, who I’m sure deserve to be loved by the best women, but whom I’ll never love, much less want to kiss. I’m only 26, which isn’t that old, but I wonder if I’m rendering myself unlovable, destined to be alone, etc., etc. I wonder if I’ll even believe in love at all after a couple more of these experiences, or if I’ll just find myself a decade older in some kind of marriage of convenience (someone needs health insurance, a steady companion, a tax break, cheaper rent, etc., etc.).
I wonder if I missed my chance. If I should have tried a little harder a couple of times in the past, given a little more. But no… Those past relationships weren’t right, either. I’m jealously, immaturely mad at all couples in general, which is senseless and not nice and destructive and unfair. But then the world seems a little senseless, not nice, destructive, and unfair right now, and I’m just a tiny part of it.