Longest Night of the Year

Breakups suck, even when they end relationships that weren’t quite right to begin with.  I kind of got dumped tonight.  It went something like this:  I was headed out with my sister and a couple of her friends, and the boy met up with us downtown.  She and her friends left, leaving me and the boy alone (we were going to go out with a couple of his friends later).  We left the restaurant and started walking.  I asked if I could stay over, he said we needed to talk.  He’d “lost passion.”  There was a little more.  It never sounds good out of context, and memories of emotionally charged situations always fail to capture what actually happened.  In any case, at 17th and Blake I turned and he kept going towards his car.  I walked the 3+ miles home, which was a little therapeutic.  I know I shouldn’t do that at night, but I kind of needed it.  It makes me so mad that women aren’t supposed to walk alone at night, anyway.

Walking and thinking go hand in hand.  I thought about how I also knew this wasn’t “meant to be” (if anything is), but for some reason wanted it anyway.  I thought about the rare and wondrous thing that is loving a person who loves you back, and I pondered whether or not that ever actually happened (I know it does), and whether or not it can happen in a sustainable way (sustainable being the buzzword of the decade).

I’m tired.  I’m tired of being in relationships I know are wrong.  I’m tired of being someone’s “girl to spend time with.”  I’m tired of working so hard to focus on the present, because to give any thought to the future seems to be a death sentence for the relationships I’ve been in lately.  This is totally ungrateful, but I’m tired of the really nice guys who like me but whom I don’t like back, who I’m sure deserve to be loved by the best women, but whom I’ll never love, much less want to kiss.  I’m only 26, which isn’t that old, but I wonder if I’m rendering myself unlovable, destined to be alone, etc., etc.  I wonder if I’ll even believe in love at all after a couple more of these experiences, or if I’ll just find myself a decade older in some kind of marriage of convenience (someone needs health insurance, a steady companion, a tax break, cheaper rent, etc., etc.).

I wonder if I missed my chance.  If I should have tried a little harder a couple of times in the past, given a little more.  But no…  Those past relationships weren’t right, either.  I’m jealously, immaturely mad at all couples in general, which is senseless and not nice and destructive and unfair.  But then the world seems a little senseless, not nice, destructive, and unfair right now, and I’m just a tiny part of it.

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3 responses to “Longest Night of the Year

  1. Dear friends who are also parts of couples:
    I’m not really mad at you. I just don’t understand how everyone else seems to have this thing figured out, and I don’t. Well, I do understand that most of you coupled-up people are pretty fantastic, but so are we singles… Anyway, to be mad at you would be misdirecting anger…

  2. jfochek

    Hey, it’s OK. You *are* fantastic (and lovable, beautiful, smart, funny – all sorts of good things).

    Break-ups suck, though. I’m here if you need a shoulder.

  3. I think it’s irrational but I wanted to punch that guy’s lights out when I read about him, even though I’m sure he’s not a horrible guy.

    My sister, who’s now 30, almost 31–recently had a massive breakup after a 6 year relationship (with a 6 year relationship before that that failed). I always felt so bad and so helpless, wanting very much to conjure the perfect lad for her. Then I think about things like the fact that there are people my age or younger who have their own company or are financially secure (like you are).

    I know this may sound like a small thing to you, Leslie, but I think it’s so cool that you’re this educated librarian that makes money. I mean, I think that’s so groovy. I have never stood on my own two feet financially, nor really had a normal job. I’ve always been financially supported by either my parents or my husband. I don’t quite know how that happened. Maybe it was random, maybe by design, or maybe I just fell into it. I got married at 23, and maybe if I had waited longer, like a lot of people out there, I might’ve found my career footing. I suppose you might be reading this thinking ‘sounds nice to be financially supported’. But what it has really managed to do is make me feel like I’m not good enough and that I can’t do it on my own. I’m panicked about what would happen if I had to support myself suddenly–which many women have had to do if their spouses died prematurely. In any event, my self esteem is not really that high because I feel like I have been sheltered in some ways. Also, it’s just interesting and a challenge that feeds the soul to get ‘out there’ and ‘do your thing’. Every time I try to ‘do my thing’ I seem to fail. I try to teach art classes–no one signs up. I try to do some art thing for someone–I get paid little or nothing. Even though, in some ways, I don’t have to worry about money (too much), I still hardly ever have any because I have no income.

    OK, whoops. This is becoming a rant.

    I guess my point is that there is always…always a SORE area in someone’s life. This is just one of mine–I have many severe phobias and anxiety issues that I won’t go into, but my point is that feeling inadequate in some area is annoying and painful but at the same time, it just shows that there is no such thing as perfection but that we can learn and do more and have something to look forward to. Maybe a stay at home mom becomes an environmental lawyer or massage therapist later in life–or vice versa.

    It’s hard to predict what life will do, so really the only way to deal is to control how we care for ourselves.

    If it’s any consolation–I totally understand your anger and frustration, and you can use my face on a voodoo doll if it helps. Heheee. AND I might add that it’s also quite common for people in their 20’s, 30’s and even beyond to be dating, marrying and having kids much later. It’s not a reflection of whether they are good mates. It’s more of a reflection of people wanting to put time, money and energy into their development and self-actualization before really focusing on dating or having a family. I just find that it’s really hard to focus on more than one thing in life. I know some people do it, but it’s not all that common to have EVERYTHING going at once.

    So really you’re basically right in step, I think. It probably doesn’t feel like it, though.

    Happy Holidays to you, dear. Grats on the fast, by the way.

    Your Uncle,

    Hannah

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