Back in the Game

I have not been very good about writing this week! It was really cold Sunday night, and I brought out the giant down comforter, and now it’s hard to get and stay out of bed. As much as I’m starting to hate the cold, I do like the coziness of winter.

Not much has been going on. It was going to be a budget month, and I’m blowing it. I was supposed to cook for my roommate and Kavi on Tuesday night, but then I remembered that I don’t really like cooking (especially under pressure) and kind of stressed over it for a couple of days, before suggesting we go out. There have been some annoyances at work, too, but all in all we’re moving quickly through orders, which is awesome. Sometimes I feel like a few people around think a trained monkey could do my job. Sometimes I feel like letting them find out if they’re right. Because my job is actually not that easy. Oh, and also, I’m not perfect (yeah, I know, it totally sucks).

I said I wasn’t going to talk about dating, but I’m going to talk about dating, even though my parents read this and even though people I don’t know read it. Because I feel like I’m holding back! I’m stifling myself! Okay.

Obviously things with the esquire fizzled, or rather were promptly extinguished when he became non-communicative (which is the lowest option on the dating rubric in the category of “mode of communication,”). In retaliation (or something, but I’m pretty sure it in no way affected him) after his non-communicativeness was confirmed, I ate a bunch of milk-laden toast, decided to go back to not dating, and then updated my old online dating website profile and posted a picture*… Everyone does it. Okay, not everyone, but a lot of people do. Not that I need to rationalize it… I feel like it’s just as good as — maybe better than — meeting men in bars. I know there are other options like church and volunteering. But this is what I’m doing.

And the funny thing is that I’m still not totally into dating. I’m just not totally opposed to it anymore. I don’t have to date. But it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did. At all. I think the intentional singleness of most of last year taught me the difference between “I want to/don’t want to date” and “I want to/don’t want to date you.” That was important.

So. I’ve had two dates. Two awkward dates. All first dates are awkward in some regard, I suppose. I’m finding people who are very nice, but I think we bring out each other’s awkward sides, and not in endearing ways. Or maybe I’m just the Queen of Cool now, and I’m intimidating them (doubt that). We just haven’t hit it off. I have another date later this week, and for some reason I’m nervous that he’ll have the same voice as a guy I dated my sophomore year in high school. We have only e-mailed, so I have no real reason to think this might be the case, but it is the thing I’m most concerned about. That and the stubborn wave my hair insists on forming right by my temples. But I think my new CHI straightener will be here tomorrow (that was certainly part of the budget blowing, even though it was a good deal), so I might be fine on that count.

Also: On my last date, we went to a coffeeshop, and a dog exactly like the dog in my dream last week (that attacked me) was there, sniffing my hand, putting his head on my leg, wanting to be pet. It was a sweet dog, but the whole thing was a little unnerving.

*re-reading this, I remember what really happened — I paid the dating website so I could read an e-mail I’d received a few weeks prior, despite not having a particularly active account (how lame is it that you can’t read e-mail without ponying up?). Anyway, the e-mail was a completely underwhelming one-liner (I think it said “do you like Celtic art?”) from someone who was really into 20-sided dice (not necessarily a bad thing, just not my thing).  I figured I should at least make it worthwhile, since I’d handed over some money (this is also a factor in my budget-blowing month).



Filed under Uncategorized

6 responses to “Back in the Game

  1. melissa

    The weather might be gloomy and work may be tedious and the dating scene dull, but that new chi straightener will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I got one a year or so ago and it might have been the best $150 I’ve ever spent.

    Enjoy your supersmooth hair!

  2. Here’s my dating advice even though you didn’t ask for it! I think you are too cool for most guys. They can’t handle your awesomeness. However, when dating, most people become obsessed with looking for reasons not to go on a second date, the way they talk, bad jokes, dumb shoes, etc… If you go into the date with the idea of it strictly being “a date” it’s going to be awkward. You become hyper-aware of everything, so you’re not yourself. At the end of the night you leave a false impression of who you are. I was done with dating when I met Maria. We just hung out as friends and I was myself, sure I said things to her as “a friend” that I would have avoided if I had known we’d get married, but that fact is we knew each other for real. This sounds dumb but I think it’s cool to just hang out with single guys with your friends before actually setting up a date. This way you know his weird habits, but you like them. Bottom line is let someone see you in your natural element, don’t go out for a movie… go organize something together! Does this make any sense or am I just putting you to sleep?

  3. Melissa: I will love my CHI if it ever comes. I actually discovered them in England a long time ago — I came back asking hairstylists about these new ceramic straighteners, and they looked at me like I was crazy. Now they all own them, and I still don’t (until tomorrow, maybe Monday (which is after the date!)).

    Eric: I totally get what you’re saying. First dates are awkward, and your suggestion is the ideal. But my pool of single, cool, straight, unattached guy friends is not very big. I fear that organizing things (like the dinner I wrote about in this post) stresses me out, and shows the worst side of me (the anti-social side that is married to my down comforter). I guess anyone I know would find out about that anyway, but… the whole “be friends first” thing is easier said than done at a certain age and in certain professions… Maybe I should be an engineer next…

  4. Everything is easier said than done. That’s why I blast Celine Dion.

  5. I totally understand that feeling of wanting to marry a down comforter. Frankly, I am amazed I married as early as I did. I have always wanted to be attached, but still. I have always been eccentric and a bit intense and very emotional, even though I am a good person at heart–I felt for a long time and still do that I scared men off.

    I met my husband on the internet (which was sort of my comfort zone). Everyone scoffed at me (this was 8 years ago so it was slightly less common) and was worried he was a serial killer. Hehee.

    WELL anyway. I hate to sound cliche (or maybe I secretly love it, I dunno) but I believe that true connections (friends or lovers) are fairly effortless (even if there’s an occasional fight or whatnot) and they will come to you as if you’re a magnet. However…the unfortunate fact of the matter is that you may never know how or when it will happen, but when it does happen it HAPPENS. I try to pay attention to people who really strike me and follow up on them. The very first day I talked to my husband online I felt a difference between him and the string of mismatched losers (sorry guys) that I’d been dating before him.

    I have no doubt you’ll find that person, in other words. It’s just that timing is a very weird thing, I’ve found. I would say definitely celebrate who you are now and what you are accomplishing, because a husband and kids (though fulfilling) will complicate that and will not replace or fill your personal happiness quota.


    Uncle Hannah (sorry if this sounded preachy)

  6. It’s not preachy, Hannah, it’s hopeful. Thanks. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s