I have not been very good about writing this week! It was really cold Sunday night, and I brought out the giant down comforter, and now it’s hard to get and stay out of bed. As much as I’m starting to hate the cold, I do like the coziness of winter.
Not much has been going on. It was going to be a budget month, and I’m blowing it. I was supposed to cook for my roommate and Kavi on Tuesday night, but then I remembered that I don’t really like cooking (especially under pressure) and kind of stressed over it for a couple of days, before suggesting we go out. There have been some annoyances at work, too, but all in all we’re moving quickly through orders, which is awesome. Sometimes I feel like a few people around think a trained monkey could do my job. Sometimes I feel like letting them find out if they’re right. Because my job is actually not that easy. Oh, and also, I’m not perfect (yeah, I know, it totally sucks).
I said I wasn’t going to talk about dating, but I’m going to talk about dating, even though my parents read this and even though people I don’t know read it. Because I feel like I’m holding back! I’m stifling myself! Okay.
Obviously things with the esquire fizzled, or rather were promptly extinguished when he became non-communicative (which is the lowest option on the dating rubric in the category of “mode of communication,”). In retaliation (or something, but I’m pretty sure it in no way affected him) after his non-communicativeness was confirmed, I ate a bunch of milk-laden toast, decided to go back to not dating, and then updated my old online dating website profile and posted a picture*… Everyone does it. Okay, not everyone, but a lot of people do. Not that I need to rationalize it… I feel like it’s just as good as — maybe better than — meeting men in bars. I know there are other options like church and volunteering. But this is what I’m doing.
And the funny thing is that I’m still not totally into dating. I’m just not totally opposed to it anymore. I don’t have to date. But it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I did. At all. I think the intentional singleness of most of last year taught me the difference between “I want to/don’t want to date” and “I want to/don’t want to date you.” That was important.
So. I’ve had two dates. Two awkward dates. All first dates are awkward in some regard, I suppose. I’m finding people who are very nice, but I think we bring out each other’s awkward sides, and not in endearing ways. Or maybe I’m just the Queen of Cool now, and I’m intimidating them (doubt that). We just haven’t hit it off. I have another date later this week, and for some reason I’m nervous that he’ll have the same voice as a guy I dated my sophomore year in high school. We have only e-mailed, so I have no real reason to think this might be the case, but it is the thing I’m most concerned about. That and the stubborn wave my hair insists on forming right by my temples. But I think my new CHI straightener will be here tomorrow (that was certainly part of the budget blowing, even though it was a good deal), so I might be fine on that count.
Also: On my last date, we went to a coffeeshop, and a dog exactly like the dog in my dream last week (that attacked me) was there, sniffing my hand, putting his head on my leg, wanting to be pet. It was a sweet dog, but the whole thing was a little unnerving.
*re-reading this, I remember what really happened — I paid the dating website so I could read an e-mail I’d received a few weeks prior, despite not having a particularly active account (how lame is it that you can’t read e-mail without ponying up?). Anyway, the e-mail was a completely underwhelming one-liner (I think it said “do you like Celtic art?”) from someone who was really into 20-sided dice (not necessarily a bad thing, just not my thing). I figured I should at least make it worthwhile, since I’d handed over some money (this is also a factor in my budget-blowing month).